“ When I shaved my head!” - Jereen susan john renjen

 “ When I shaved my head!”

                              - Jereen susan john renjen

                                              “When I shave my head!”  has any of you given it a thought what will happen when you do it.Well! I have, many times and resulted in not finding the guts to do it even though I wanted to. I was always scared about the end results. How will I look?,What will people say?,How will I answer all those questions ?,How will I handle ‘The Stare’ from all,what if people don’t like to be with me and the list went on.

Even when I was in hospital after my cesarean I wished ‘if only I had the guts to shave my head ,it will be one less maintenance’.Every time my baby gal pulled my hair I was on the verge of doing it . Every time I swept the floor to find fallen hairs I was like “Gosh!!”. Every time I combed and ended up with locks of hair in comb;I looked in the mirror with  disappointment and always thought why don’t I shave it off for good.

Having a baby girl who is eight months old with all your energy and time completely dedicated to her, along with full time household work with no outside help resulted in no time to workout to burn all those pregnancy fat and no energy to dedicate some time to take care of yourself and to add on frustrations ended up eating more junk ,and all these turned out to form a circle corelated to each other .Every time I looked at myself I was so sure I needed a change,an inspiration to feel the spontaneous spark which was the main source of being me. Somewhere along the journey of being a wife and a mother it just vanished into thin air.Please don't get me wrong,I am not complaining about being a mother or wife,infact it is the best thing that can happen to me at this period of my life. I am just trying to pin down we all lose a bit of us in the journey through the episodes of life. Some of that bit of losing part is good for us as it helps us being a better person. But some, we need it to find its way back into our life as it is one of the best parts in us which helps us being a positive, happier and healthier person. For me my spontaneous spark was the one of the best parts in me which was not worth losing.

Like any common view even I was automatically tied down to think what will others say if I shave my head . Which apparently was not my old self or should I say my spark which always made me fall in love with myself again and again.Not only that, it always expanded my perspective towards the benefit of forgiving oneself and moving on with life. One thing I learned in life is ‘extraordinary things happen when you listen to yourself ,as you are the one and only original self;and only you being yourself is what is going to make you stand out of the crowd. There is no one like you when you start listening to yourself.Your life experience, exposure, the way you think, feel and react are not comparable;it is what the world mold us all into that categorises us.And the best part is ‘no matter how a bad situation looks like for time being, at the end of the episode all happens for a good reason as long as you believe in it. You need to believe it to see it, which will lead us to make it or do it, it is  another miraculous way our brain works’.

That is where I was missing my spark.It was not about whether I shave my head or cut my hair short or maintain it long .And it is defintely not about my hair being pulled every now and then by my baby nor is it about finding it in the floor or on the comb.It was all about finding an expression towards the freedom of  being self as a person by untyeing the thread of restricted thoughts and mainly a small step to face the fear which I have cultivated in myslef. It is not easy to do the small harmless things that you really wanted to do without being scared or dominated by end results and others’ judgment.

To be frank it was in my mind to shave it off for quite long but I was always a slave of fear until I did it. I was scared .Yes! that is the truth I was scared when I decided I am going to do it right now,I was scared when I looked at the mirror,I was even more scared when I took the scissors and chopped my hair short and in the end when I shaved  the first row of hair ,it was like a transient state of mind from ‘being scared of doing it’ to ‘I am finally doing it stage’ .I  could sense my courage easing down my nerves dominating  the feel of fear.I was actually thought less for a few seconds. And when I did it. I was filled with complete satisfaction of being fresh.I was proud of myself for finally doing it. Then like a lightning,reality struck in.I cried out loud “Oh!My God! I look beautifully Ugly”.That was my first impression about my new look,how can anyone possibly look beautifully Ugly?. But it is the truth; that is what I felt about myself,may be because I was satisfied with my beautiful inner self that made me feel even my most ugly hairdo I had in my  entire life as beautiful and satisfactory. Then the worst part, all those people who I have to face and convince flashed in front of my inner mind ,one by one starting with my husband,and in laws being in the priority list.  I was least worried about my mother and my father and siblings as they are so used to me being myself for ages. Relatives and friends; Yes!! I have to face their comments but I can learn to ignore the worst comments for good.   

As  when I was deeply immersed in my world staring at my new beautifully Ugly look,my baby gal woke up from her sleep and started crying for me. I ran to pick her up. She saw me and was glad to see me and my new look did not matter to her even a bit. For her everything was normal and had no problem in recognizing me with my bald look ,not even for a fraction of a second. One need to experience it to know how special that makes oneself feel. No wonder the world always tags a mother baby bond as the most priceless bond. One of the priceless feelings,no matter how different I looked, beautiful,ugly,presentable or messy for my baby I mattered as a whole self,how I made her feel with my presence mattered, not how I look. That was a positive self boost to face the rest of the world for my doing.

Then I had a confused mind. Should I message my husband and give him a heads up or should I wait for him to come back home to surprise him. Since clearly it would not be a pleasant surprise for him,I decided to give him a heads up through whatsapp to avoid the worst reaction out of the shock at the direct visual. Well!as expected he was shocked and not happy but he was mature  enough not to take the conversation through message to next level of argument. He tried to be understanding even though it was difficult for him at first. Then after he came home and towards the night we ended up clearing each other's point of view regarding the same topic. As per his perspective personally he was quite ok!l with the whole idea as he still respected my individual space but what irritated him was the sentimental  sympathetic approach of others towards me thinking I was facing some deadly  disease.  YES!it is true .That is the majority approach I received . My facebook inbox message was filled with personal concern regarding my deadly disease which I never had.It is amazing how people judge us or come to a conclusion just by taking a picture of our face ,our dressing,how we present ourselves. By people I do not free myself from it,because I know even I end up doing it sometimes of course nobody does it on purpose,it is what we all have molded our minds into while growing up.I do not consider it as anybody’s fault; moreover, I would like to view it as an unconscious action to  unnecessarily become over concerned and come to conclusions of our own which might be contradicting the reality. In my observance only very few people have freed themselves from this and I am not definitely one among them. Well!!back to the reactions I received,majority were shocked ,half appreciated my guts. For few admitted they always wanted to do it but never were able to have the guts to do it.

                                                  Initially my husband was under the impression,I did it because our baby girl kept pulling my hair as I kept warning him every time she pulled my hair. And in the conversation we had at night I cleared the point it got nothing to do with her even though it had caused the small trigger ;same reason we decided not to blame or tease her act as the truth of doing it is not because of her. In the conversation with him I also made it clear even though it was  a spontaneous act that does not mean I did not think through it. I also convinced him saving I felt this is the right time to do it not only because of the whole hair pull,fallen hair and locks in the comb but also by the time we go back to our country in six months gap it will  grow back. After speaking each other's mind out both of us were much relaxed and accepted the whole new look. That is all it takes freedom of speech,guts to express the true feeling and to have a heart to be understanding and have a little consideration regarding others possible crazy self to go hand in hand with peace and happiness .I feel most of the problems and difference in opinions between a husband and wife can be solved or calmed through a cup of coffee; all it takes is a bit of maturity and understanding regarding the others feeling.Even though everything was back to normal between us,he refused to touch my head saying it gives him goosebumps;on the other hand my baby just loved the feeling of touching it and she is more than happy as I never allowed her to touch my hair before and scolded her everytime she did and now she can touch when ever she wants. It just made her day. It is amazing how a such a small topic such as “When I shaved my head” created a lot of fun ,adding on the fact that the most fun part was when  it turned out to be a game ‘who can dare to touch my shaved head’ during our family time as our baby girl laughed the hell out each time she touched it and that just made our day.

              On the other hand the day I shaved I had no plan to do it. So when I sent the picture to my mother she was happily shocked,it was clear from her tone that she was happy about the fact of finding her daughter being her old crazy self ,doing the unexpected, at the same time she was shocked that I shaved my beautiful straight hair off. And my dad, as usual, ignored me for the good of all.Yes!that is what he does ;ignore me when I do something which he does not approve of .It is kind of nice that way we avoid a big argument.

My in laws are the ones who  worried myself and my husband for a few days. They are really nice and extra sensitive people .They do not have any exposure towards people who do spontaneous and crazy things. Moreover, they worry a lot about each member of their family over small topics and it is enough to trigger tension  leading to several health issues. So we decided to hide it from them for a while as they might unnecessarily conclude I am suffering from cancer and we are hiding my health condition from them. But after a few days when I thought about it I felt too crazy to do crazy stuff and hide.I decided to tell them in twisted truth so that they will take it in right sense and not end up takeing it in the wrong way and end up with a heart attack or any other medical condition.My baby girl is their core as she is the first and only grand child for now ,so when the conversation was in favour I told them I shaved my head off cause myself and my baby had a fight when she pulled my hair and I lost it and shaved it off. Both of them were shocked but since their grandchild was involved they took it in the right sense.

When I forwarded the picture to my friends,the majority wanted to know how my husband took it. And they were jealous of me for having a husband who is as mature and understanding as him. Well!yes he is understanding but I wonder are not majority of the guys are? just like how majority of us girls are understanding and yes few percentage is there in both gender who are mean and selfish and who live in their own world.  But I believe it is us who restrict our perspective and guts and find excuses and reasons to calm ourselves down for not doing what we really want to do. As I said before it is not about shaving my head or cutting the hair short.It is all about finding the guts to face your fear, finding a way to be yourself, no matter how you get carried away with  life. It is about finding time to do small things which you always wanted to do. It is about finding your own inspiration trigger and being happy self. For me it was shaving my head for now ,next time it might be different may be a long walk cutting myself off the daily routine and responsibilities for a day or two, or may be finding a long lost school friend and spend a day chatting and discovering my old lost self.Possibilities are many, after all it is not just about “when i shaved my head”.

     

WHAT !! CAN I READ UPSIDE DOWN?

Waiting for a friend after our textile project at a weaver’s service center in Chennai; I happened to see the notice board with one pin out upside down hanging newspaper article. I usually ignore any thing with words written on it. But this time, may be because I was completely jobless, I just took a glance at the letters. To capture my interest I realized I could actually read even though the letters were upside down. Was completely taken away by the new discovery I made and as soon as I reached my room, first thing I did was to take the “Gardner’s Art Through The Ages”, eleventh edition and go through the pages upside down. I really don’t know how to explain the feeling I had at that very moment when I realized I can actually read quiet comfortably upside down when compared to the normal way. Was completely thrilled, excited, happy at the same time, scared, and little freaked out. Next thing I did was to take a piece of paper and tried to write the letters upside down. And to my astonishment, I found out I can do the same. But realized I need little practice to get the hand writing neat and fast. Did a lot of reading that day comparing to the past days .After that incident I started reading. Not in public of course. But when I accepted the fact that I am comfortable with reading upside down and nothing wrong in doing so, started slowly using the same skill of reading in public.

One day while doing the research work in library, I got so worked up by reading the normal way. Finally decided to forget the surrounding and to read the way I am comfortable with. Was totally scared to expose myself in front of others, but gained the strength by encouraging myself. “One day you will have to face it, then why not today. The earlier you face it, the better for you”.

Kept the huge book upside down, hoping no one will notice and continued with my work. When I got really involved with my work, I heard a surprised and a curious voice from behind. ”Lady! You are reading upside down? ”.  It was so clear from her tone that is more than just a question. With all the courage I could gather at the very moment I answered “Yes! I am. I am comfortable that way”. She was so curious to know more about it and sat beside me continuing the topic “Are you serious? Oh! My GOD. How?.I mean I know Da Vinci could also do that and he was also dyslexic. But! But!! This is amazing”. First thing that ran through my mind was, “Really? Da Vinci could? I really have to do a research on him”. Yes I knew he is some big shot personality related to art field. But due to lack of reading I knew nothing more than that. But didn’t show I was clueless.

Instead, remembered what my mother always said when I was a child “They all are just curious because they have not come across anything like that in their lifetime. And you will also do the same if you are in their shoes. It’s human nature. You just have to take the time to explain it out to them why it is different. By doing so you are helping yourself by helping other person to understand you.”

With a deep breath I explained to her, “When I read the normal way, it is too stressful for me to focus on what I read. The visual is so wide spread. It kind of makes a jumble of letters to form my own words. For a person like me, it takes extra strain to read than a normal person. But when I read upside down, the stress is much lesser and it helps me to concentrate and focus on what I read.”

In some time, the whole of 1^st Year M.A Fine Arts dpt. came to know and for a while one of the topics to discuss was my reading ability and my dyslexia. Initially I did enjoy all the extra attention. Like anyone else I was quiet carried away in the beginning and started reading in public upside down more confidently and less bothered about the public. Once while traveling in the train, reading Da Vinci code by Dan Brown; the kid next to me happened to notice that I was reading upside down, couldn’t believe his eyes he turned his head once again to make sure what he saw was right. His face expression was so cute, that I couldn’t stop noticing it. And once a man sitting next to me couldn’t resist himself from asking me why I am reading upside down. Even at home people where so taken by my new discovery and were so glad that finally I started reading comfortably. 

But for me the initial phase where I enjoyed receiving all the extra attention didn’t last long. Slowly, the fact of being an odd one out started worrying me. I kept my mind open and started looking out for more logical explanation. I did a lot of research. I made my friends to read upside down as part of analyzing and came to understand the fact that 95% of people with normal reading skill can also read the book upside down. But the amount of concentration and strain they put is much more than the usual and get tired of reading much faster. Adding on to the fact that all the concentration is on getting to read the word and the sentence upside down properly that they tend to lose on what the sentence means. That helped me to realize that is what exactly happens when I read the normal way. 

Some nerves in my brain must be connected in a different way than the others, similar to how you accidentally connect some wires in the screen and the visual comes upside down. I don’t know. But I could not find any further simple answer to convince myself. The moment I figured this out, it was like finding fresh air to breathe. And after that, whenever people asked me for explanation of my reading style. I smile at them and give them a chance to read upside down. Encourage them by saying “Come on. It’s not a big deal .Any one can do it. Just give it a shot.” and once they are done, I would give the explanation.” The stress level is somewhat the same when I read the normal way.” And now a days, the first thing I do before reading a book is covering it up, so that I don’t draw any attention.

After all I just made friends with the books.